For many of us, the holiday season is something to look forward to, a time for love, laughter, and happiness. A time to forget our problems, count our blessings, and share our homes and hearts with family, colleagues, and friends. Crowded malls, dizzying schedules, and elaborate entertaining are not problems but the stuff of life, happy circumstances that provide a special glow to ordinary existence.

Yet for others, the holidays seem an unending period of stress, often accompanied by dread, anger, and depression. While at other times similar demands on our schedule, finances, and emotions are manageable, now as we try to balance family, work, and other obligations they seem burdensome, even un-doable. The dream of a happy holiday time, of that wonderful sense of love and care, unfortunately remains elusive, and sadness settles in.

The reasons for this unhappiness are as varied as the people involved, but they all have one thing in common. Left unchecked, each cause can cast a shadow over even the most accessible pleasure, set the scene for even more unhappiness throughout the holidays, and dampen the soul for years to come. Those in pain wonder, "Is there any way to manage all this and still enjoy the time, as others seem to do?"

The "Source" of Holiday Stress

In truth, there is no one distinct source of holiday stress. Even if we identify a single problem that we believe prevents us from surviving with grace, we are missing important, relevant side issues that aggravate our misery. For example, some holiday sufferers believe that being with their families is the root of their stress. And, at first blush, it might seem that way, for – sure enough – civility evaporates within five minutes of their meeting. Yet each problem in our lives is really an amalgam of many issues amassed through years of experience.

Sue hasn't gotten along with her parents and siblings in years, and worries that this holiday reunion will be as strained as any other. "If only they were more understanding and compassionate," she yearns, anticipating another round of criticism about her husband, job, and children. However, perhaps this isn't simple discord, as Sue believes, but an intricate and long-running conflict based on an intergenerational family dysfunction that existed long before she was born. If this is true, can Sue both understand and control the issues, turning her family into the Norman Rockwell picture she carries in her head? We know the answer.

Other holiday sufferers may identify financial problems as their source of misery. Tom and Tanya believe that if they just had more money, the holidays would be a time of familial and collegial joy instead of a precursor of more bad times. And, on the surface, that might seem true. Gifts, fancy dinners, travel, and entertaining friends and family take their toll on modest and even healthy incomes. But is extra cash for the holidays the answer? Perhaps this couple's problems run deeper than their inability to continually pick up the check. It may be that over the years both partners have shown a tendency to mismanage other things besides money – for example, family issues, emotions, or careers. What do you think the possibilities might be?

The Ultimate "Solution" to Holiday Stress?

There is no one-step resolution to any of this. Each problem is an intricate labyrinth of experience, emotion, and behavior that can be triggered at holiday time. So what to do? How do we who suffer holiday miseries get through these seemingly endless days? Shall we give up the holidays altogether and declare a moratorium on relationships, finances, and the demands of the season?

Even if we cannot quickly address the conditions that cause us problems, there are ways to handle seasonal stress so we can at least manage our own lives and survive the holidays with grace.

• Step 1: Fully acknowledge the problem. The operative word is fully. Try to back away from your own involvement and look at the larger issues. That's sometimes hard to do, but necessary. Let's look again at what Sue sees as her holiday problem – her relationship with her family. She senses their disapproval as she anticipates their family gathering with dread. But if Sue can separate herself from the present unwanted dynamic, if she can even begin to consider that similar conflicts might have existed in her parents' and even her grandparents' generations, she may find a less painful perspective and a less personal way of solving her immediate problem.
  
  
• Step 2: Be realistic. According to Wikipedia, the word holiday originally meant a holy, special day, but it has evolved to mean any special day of rest. Hang on to that thought! Holiday has never been defined as the time to settle family quarrels, marital problems, job-related concerns, or financial troubles. The message is clear. Don't expect anything out of the ordinary. Instead, use the time to reflect on your own holy or religious beliefs or on any good thing that brings pleasure and meaning to your life, and provide yourself with as much comfort and joy as you can manage, even if it means sitting alone at home with a great novel and a cup of tea.
  
  
• Step 3: Clarify the components. Sue's next step will be to fully understand the problem and all its aspects – including its history and effect on other family members. Perhaps she can discover, through photographs and mementoes or by interviewing relatives, the challenges faced generation after generation, and how they affected family members. Then, she might want to investigate the challenges that she and the other members of her family must face now. With this information, she may more clearly identify and attempt to understand the patterns of family behavior and the issues between herself and each family member.
  
  
• Step 4: Establish clear and workable short-term goals. Sue can establish immediate, short-term goals for each issue once she understands them. What is her objective for a difficult relationship over the holiday season? For example, if the source of her family's disapproval seems to emanate from her mother, as a short-term measure can Sue minimize time alone with her over the holidays or include a willing, peaceful relative in their meetings to help derail arguments. And what about Tom and Tanya's financial situation? Is their immediate outlay of cash the most important issue right now? If so, what goal will they want to set for the holiday season? Can they set up a realistic holiday-only budget in anticipation of all those expenses?
  
  
• Step 5: Establish clear and workable long-term goals. Once short-term goals are established for a problem's individual issues, think about long-term goals for the overarching problem. For example, Sue knows that her short-term goals involve dealing with her family realistically over the holidays, expecting nothing and using the time to her best advantage. But, perhaps the real problem is not her family relationships but some underlying personal issue, for example her own sense of integrity or her long-overdue need for independence. Thus, to have a happier life, her long-term goal would be to satisfactorily develop her own sense of integrity or become truly independent.
  
  
• Step 6: Fix what you can. Let's look again at Tom and Tanya's situation. If money really is the issue, they can find ways to increase their incomes or decrease their spending. But if their financial problems have more to do with their sense of worth or responsibility as individuals and as a couple, then they need to consider other options. Can they fix this bigger problem over a few weeks, if they recognize the real issues? Probably not. What they can begin to fix over the holidays, if both partners are honest with each other, is their spending habits. But they'll need assistance to fix ingrained negative personal characteristics or complex marital problems.
  
  
• Step 7: Get help. In the illustrations above, the problems and inherent issues are complex, just as in real life. Sometimes we are able to understand and analyze all of the components and issues for each of our problems on our own and go on to establish clear and workable short- and long-term goals. Sometimes, despite our best attempts, we cannot understand the issues and are unable to set appropriate goals. Why? One reason may be that the pain and confusion of past hurts and sorrows still cloud our minds, making it difficult to search for remedies. At these times, we need to consider outside help.
  
  Talk to your friends. Friends are great. They are there, loving and concerned, and willing to listen. They are already on your side, and will give you all the support and feedback you need. So why not share your problems and issues, if you feel you cannot manage alone? There is a down side to talking with friends, however. First, even if they are brilliantly analytical, friends are not objective where you are concerned. They already know you and care about you. Second, most friends are not trained to recognize other problems you may be having, such as serious depression. Third, they may unintentionally give you the wrong guidance. Fourth, they may subconsciously resent your need for help and see it as unwelcome neediness.
  
  So, are there other options if you know you cannot handle your holiday problems on your own, but your friends are not fully qualified to provide assistance?
  
  Talk to a professional. First, try to know what you hope to accomplish. Attempt to determine the seriousness of your problem and what kind of help you require. If you need assistance figuring this out, call your health provider, hospital, or closest mental health center and discuss your problems with someone trained to direct you to the right source. Together, you can determine if your problem can be dealt with easily with the right guidance or if it will require a more extensive approach. Whatever your need, help is available from many sources today, with different classes of professionals providing different kinds of help. Just remember – if your problems require more than your own judgment or that of your friends to address what you are feeling and experiencing – don't wait. Search now until you find what you need.

Clearly, the holiday season brings challenges to all of us. How we handle them makes the difference. If we can manage all the challenges, if we can navigate the joys as well as the disappointments, tolerate the ridiculous as well as the appropriate, and circumvent the foibles of family reunions, we are home free. But if we cannot – and many of us experience seemingly overwhelming holiday problems – take the time to acknowledge each problem, try to be realistic and objective, clarify the problem's components, determine effective short- and long-term goals, fix what you can, and get help for the rest. Like life itself, the holidays are meant to be enjoyed – even from our armchairs – and not suffered.

Judith Peyton Sinclair, Ph.D., is a cognitive psychologist and educator with a private consulting practice in Life and Career Management Services. Throughout the year – including holidays – she assists her clients in understanding and reaching their true goals so that they have a happy and rewarding life. Details of this process are outlined on her Web site, www.sinclairsystem.com. For an appointment or more information, contact Dr. Sinclair by phone at 202-364-3893 or by email at j-p-sinclair@att.net.