Visualize a salary negotiation for just 60 seconds. Really: read the next few sentences, then stop and visualize a recent experience with a salary negotiation. Answer some questions: Who is talking? Do you feel anxious? Do you feel in control? What is the dialogue?

Each one of you has a preconceived notion of what may occur in a salary negotiation and that is based on past experience. For some, the thought of a serious salary negotiation may literally cause an anxiety attack.

The following are some basic rules that can be applied when planning for an effective salary negotiation. It’s just the beginning, but it will help position you better in the future. As a woman, however, you need to start with the assumption that you will be undervalued in the marketplace. It’s a harsh fact of life in the United States, and the statistics reveal this dynamic (True, this is changing, and it’s a hotly debated and controversial topic!).

But keep one very important piece of information in mind: Most large companies interview constantly, so a particular manager may negotiate salary once a week (that’s 52 times a year!). You may negotiate for salary 5-20 times in your entire life, and each time you do, you start afresh. The company employers have the advantage here, and they know all the tricks when it comes to salary negotiations. They’ve had lots of practice, so you need to arm yourself well!

Rule #1—Know Your Value to the Company: Admittedly, this can be a challenge. "But how can I know my value when I don’t know what others make?" you reply. Good point. Essentially it requires a bit of research and some good old-fashioned chutzpah.

Salary surveys are a good place to start, but they are only a starting point. The surveys are broad and can sometimes be quite inaccurate.

At one point in my career, I interviewed for various jobs to see the range of salaries I would be offered. In two weeks, I completed about 10 interviews and got a good sense of my worth in the marketplace. However, the marketplace is different now, and completing many interviews may not be as easy as it was 2 years ago.

The second option for research is much harder, requires some chutzpah, and may make most of you cringe: Ask. Ask friends, co-workers, and acquaintances some general questions. Eventually you will find someone who will discuss salary issues even on a vague level. Be particularly bold if you are in the presence of people in management or human resources—they know salaries.

Admittedly, the question, "Hey, you drive a nice car. So how much do you make?" will probably not elicit a positive response. However, you may be able to discuss ranges and say something like "I’m being offered $50K as a webmaster. Do you think that is too low? What does your company pay webmasters?" Now again, this research approach requires a hefty dose of diplomacy! Always remember that you are asking questions that most people consider inappropriate, so be polite, subtle, and appreciative if they share.

Rule #2—Try to uncover what the company wants in a person filling the position. Your response to this rule may be "They are looking for a webmaster, you goofball!" OK, that’s a fair response, but it’s incomplete. No, the company is not just looking for a webmaster—the company is looking for a particular type of webmaster with a unique set of technical skills and personal characteristics.

Never accept the obvious and general responses that most people give. "We are looking for a team player" may really mean that the director of marketing is impossible to work with and makes everyone miserable. Of course, no one will offer this information in the interview. You will rarely hear, "Oh yes, and by the way, the director of marketing is a nightmare and really should be on medication, but since that is not an option, we need a person who can gracefully deal with her."

Always ask specific questions and probe beyond the obvious. If she says she wants a team player, ask why: "What type of team player? If I were to accept this job, what would make it evident that I was a good team player? Compliments from management? compliments from one manager in particular?" You may find the last webmaster was, say, a serious introvert, and the company was happy when she left. If you uncover the company's true needs vs. the needs it is willing to share publicly, you will be way ahead of all the other interviewees.

"But why is this important?" you skillfully probe. Because if you are able to successfully uncover a few qualities the interviewers desperately seek in an employee you will be better armed to negotiate for salary. Many people negotiate with the wrong information. A person may assume that since she fits the technical profile, she is the best candidate when, in fact, the technical profile is less important than personality issues.

I almost fired a network engineer because of how he worked with clients. He was shocked when I told him that his technical skills were only 50% of the job; the other 50% of his job was customer service.

If you know what the company truly needs, then you reaffirm those qualities when the issue of compensation arises. One response might be "My total compensation is $45K-$60K, and that range depends on the other benefits I receive. I know that you will find me well worth even the top range as I’ve worked with many difficult managers, I’m an excellent team player, I know how to help committees come to decisions, and my technical expertise is top notch." Most companies are dying to find the right person and won’t be willing to lose you if they think you will solve their biggest problems (i.e., the psycho marketing manager).

Rule #3—Talk about total compensation, not salary. Salary is never a fixed number; rather, it is one piece of a multifaceted package. For example, if a company offered you a 4-day workweek, 50% matching 401K and 4 weeks' vacation, would you take it if the salary offered was $10K less than another company's? If those were important, you would take the lower salary and be incredibly happy with the other benefits.

Talking about total compensation gives you the flexibility to truly negotiate and not paint yourself into a corner. Decide what is important to you—retirement planning, vacation, tuition reimbursement, technical training, insurance—where you are willing to bend.

If the company asks for a specific dollar figure early (which companies often do) here’s an easy response: "It’s difficult for me to give you a fixed amount because I don’t yet know what other benefits I will receive. It also depends on opportunity. I may see more opportunity for promotion with you, and that is appealing as well. I’m really evaluating total compensation and opportunity for growth."

Now be silent. Don’t say a word. Let the interviewer talk next even if it’s a painful 3-minute gap. This is hard, but if you talk, you lose! At this point, you have put the onus on the interviewer to persuade you of the benefits of working for that particular company. The interview process is now effectively reversed, and the interviewer has to sell you on the company and its benefits.

Rule #4—Believe that you are worth the compensation you are requesting. This really requires a major shift in mindset. I can believe I’m worth $300K, but that won’t help me get a job for $300K. There is a fine line between being delusional and being optimistic. Rule #4 requires an honest blend of realism and optimism. Evaluate your strengths, what unique qualities you bring to the job, and how much you are really worth, and then unfold that information in the interview. Focus on your unique strengths.

I once had a wonderful job while in school that allowed me lots of free time to study. How did I get this job? I got along with a very difficult lawyer and because of that he wouldn’t allow me to work for anyone else. He was out of the office a lot, and since he was such a strong personality, no one else ever asked me to do work for them (even though I wanted to!). My unique strength was that I was, quite literally, one of the few people who could work for him without getting intimidated. I could have asked for the moon, and the company would have given it to me! I was a solution to a major problem in the organization: keeping the general counsel happy.

Again, these are just a few basic rules to get you started. I can only hope that you will take this information and practice. Stand in front of a mirror and practice these rules, or ask a friend to set up a role-play situation where you can practice the art of building a case that justifies your salary.

While giving a seminar on interviewing, I had each person role-play with me in front of the rest of the group. If she stuttered, turned red, or laughed when it came time to discuss total compensation, she knew she needed more practice. So practice, practice, practice! Of course, if you get really good in front of the mirror, make sure you give yourself a big raise! You deserve it. Happy negotiating!