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Life at Work Column
4 Steps to Happy Holidays: A Survival Skills Training Program
Every year you eagerly look forward to the holidays. You long for the perfect holiday. In this holiday, fences are mended.Rifts are healed.True caring is displayed.And, you think, there's no reason why this year shouldn't be the best holiday ever! And, why not?After all, the networks feature movie after movie of beautiful, even magical, Christmases. Orphans find loving homes. Misers become philanthropists.Children, formerly adopted by wicked parents, miraculously find their "real" parents. Why should it be any different for you?The networks collude with us in supporting a popular myth: magically our problems and struggles will disappear. Aided and abetted by this sort of magical thinking, we deny our real circumstances and enter the holiday season filled with high hopes only the have them dashed when "reality" becomes apparent.What if the networks featured more realistic "Groundhog's Day-like" experiences in which people re-lived the same family dynamics, "the good, the bad and the ugly", year after year, holiday after holiday.Ratings would undoubtedly plummet. Yet they might be doing a great public service. Why? Because the greatest deterrent to improving ones lot is denying that ones lot warrants improvement!
What steps can you take to ensure that this holiday is a better one for you?
Step # 1: Look into the future
It's never too early to start. Take out a piece of paper.Ask yourself, "how do I want this holiday to be?"Be as specific as possible. Where do you want to be? With whom? What is happening? Who is cooking? What are you eating? Who is cleaning? Where are you sleeping? How do you wake up? What activities occur during the day?Step # 2: Look to the past (for instruction)
Did you have your ideal holiday last year? Have you ever had your ideal holiday? If you have, ask yourself, "what went well"? Did the presence or absence of certain family members or friends make a difference? Is this a factor that is under your control? If so, plan ahead and take steps to control it. This could entail asserting some control over where you are staying, how long you are staying and with whom you are staying. For example, if you are traveling you might consider staying in a nearby hotel. If you are having visitors, consider putting them up with friends or if you can afford it, renting them a room at a hotel. If you do this, be sure to include caring touches such as a personally made gift basket. The message here: you love them but each of you needs your space.Step # 3: It's never happened, consider, "why not"?
This scenario is more common than you think. Families often have difficulties making each other happy. Yet they continue to persist in getting together every year, each hoping that it will be different and feeling hurt and disappointed when it isn't. If this is your situation, it is very important for you to be very explicit with yourself about how you would like things to be and about what might be getting in the way.The first step to improving any situation is to begin to examine the gap between how you would like things to be and where they, in actuality, are. Once you become accurate and specific about this gap, you can make a plan for getting what you want out the holidays. For that matter, you can use this very same strategy for getting what you want out of your life. For example, if you resent the fact that you consistently do all the work, plan ahead. Tell your loved ones that you need help. Be explicit about how each of them could be helpful. Alternatively, call the caterer. You don't have to do it all yourself. In fact, you don't have to do any of it! If you are unable to ask for help, at least allow yourself to wonder why you can't. Do you feel so inadequate that you feel that you have to prove your worth by "doing it all". If this is the case, it may be time to reconsider.
Some things are harder to change than others. It is nearly impossible to change other people. For example, let's say that your holidays are unhappy because, for your entire life, you have wished that your mother was loving and giving. Each December, you are disappointed to realize that she hasn't changed. If this is your circumstance than you are undoubtedly setting yourself up for disappointment. In fact, if this is your situation, you should seriously consider some counseling to deal with your life-long (and, probably understandable) disappointment. The key here is to accept your mother "as is", something that is, of course, easier said than done.
So far we've discussed family problems but what if you have no family or your family is far away? What if you are worried about spending Christmas alone? Take some steps to make sure that that doesn't happen. You can do this in many ways. Invite all of your friends over, even those with families, on Christmas. Alternatively, let your friends know that you won't be visiting family for the holidays. Find out if your church hosts any kind of Christmas day event. If they do, volunteer to help. This is a good way to do something meaningful and to reach out to your community. Another way to contribute and to connect is to volunteer at a soup kitchen.
Step # 4: Debriefing -- When the holidays are over (get a jump start on next year)
If your holidays didn't go as well as you had hoped, now is the time to be proactive. Make a New Year's resolution to take the requisite steps to have better holidays next year. Start planning to ensure happier holidays in the future.Best wishes for wonderful holidays and a Happy New Year.
If you have a question or want to suggest a topic, contact Dr. Friedman at drlynn@dcwebwomen.org.
Copyright © 2000 by Dr. Lynn Friedman, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
The advice and suggestions in this column are solely those of the author. DC Web Women assumes no responsibility for its content.The site does not provide psychological or work-life advice to any specific individual.Rather, the content is intended to be for informational purposes only.It is not a substitute for professional psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any concerns regarding a psychological or work-life difficulty, seek professional evaluation. Do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of anything that you have read on this web site.
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