Do you think anyone ever asks a man if he is aggressive or assertive?

Of course not.

This is a women's business issue -- or more correctly, an issue about women in business.

Women are rarely asked the question directly, but they are still judged and they are still labeled by how others answer that question about them.

When I started out in the business world women were expected to get the coffee. I simply would not do it.

Being far down the power chain this behavior was quite troublesome. No one, not even the other women, could figure out how to deal with me on this subject. I was extremely courteous, well mannered, hard working, dedicated, and very, very good at my job. I was feminine, polite and very professional. No stereotypes to latch on to.

I just would not get the coffee.

I was patient in explaining to my peers that I would be happy to get coffee for a guest. That was simply good manners. I said that I would be happy to get coffee for anyone who was busy working, if it were understood that if I were busy working that person would get coffee for me. Of course, no one's boss would, at that time, consider getting coffee for any support staff. That was just not how it was.

I generated such intense gossip that no one asked me to get coffee in the two years I worked there. It was understood that I would not do it, and no one wanted to confront me about it. How could any superior confront such a traditional-appearing person about such a radical attitude? Had I not been so good at my job I am positive I would have been quietly "let go." In those days you could be "let go" with impunity for any reason.

I was not "let go," but I was "labeled." I was now an aggressive woman. However, it was not a good thing to be an aggressive woman. Men in the workplace were afraid of aggressive women and kept them from moving up, trying instinctively to staunch the spread of that fearful behavior. (Based on the last two decades I must admit that at least that thinking proved delightfully correct!)

It was such a small thing, really, not getting the coffee. It was just my personal line in the sand. But it did get me labeled, and that label has followed me throughout my career. At that age and time in my life, I never felt that I was aggressive. I felt that I was assertive, and that I was forthright. I felt as smart as anyone.

In business I would not defer and I would not act based on my gender. But I did not want to be labeled an aggressive woman. Oftentimes it hurt my feelings and went against my heart.

The difference for me now is that I don't care! I am both, and proud to be so.

The question/judgment: Are you aggressive or assertive -- is a woman-directed slur. Successful people are aggressive and assertive. Success requires it. Gender-bias denies it and turns it into a false handicap. Don't get caught in that trap.

Thank you to the many women who responded to my question "Are you aggressive or assertive?" (See quotes from the responses at the end of this column) Seventy-five percent of the women who responded were comfortable with "aggressive." The 25% who responded "assertive" defined assertive as including positive aggression. Most all the women who responded mentioned courtesy, tact, manners and cooperation in the mix. This is a well-balanced tool kit.

In business, every woman should feel safe, not judged, for being aggressive or assertive, which is truly to be both.

For you women working every day at changing the world of business, I am proud of every one of you. Take a moment from the struggle. Don't just see the work to be done, see the difference women have already made, and take heart from it. We have come a long way from when we were expected to get the coffee.

Well done!

"Aggressive (after all, it's business, not gender on the line here…)"

"…I was aggressive instead and the rewards for that are greater."

"I'm definitely assertive. (Though many people who aren't used to assertive women would say I'm aggressive.)"

"I am aggressive because I seek out new chances to succeed."

"…part of being "successfully" aggressive is knowing when to pull yourself out of a situation …"

"Aggressiveness without social skills, regardless of gender, is quite unacceptable…"

"…being aggressive is necessary…because otherwise I'd be left out of countless meetings, conversations, and even promotions."

"Aggressive"

"I like to think of myself as assertive, even aggressive if the situation calls for it…"

"…aggressive most of the time, but not without tact, manners, and social skills to go along."

"when you're working in an industry in which you have to prove yourself competent, over and over…aggressive is necessary…"

Copyright © 1998, 1999 by D.E. Summerville. All rights reserved.

The advice and suggestions in the Women in Business column are solely those of the author. DC Web Women assumes no responsibility for its content.

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