The Boss: Getting Along With One

Everyone wants to know how to get along with a boss, but no one actually wants to do it.

Getting along with a boss, even a good one, requires accommodation, acceptance and adjustment. Most women understand this. However, they also cling to the fallacy that getting along with the boss centers on the boss becoming enlightened and changing her ways.

That is not likely to happen.

The effort to achieve compatibility with the boss may not involve the boss at all. In the real world, workers are the ones who have to do the accommodating, accepting and adjusting, not the boss. This is how it works in business. You can proselytize about how it should be, stand on the principle of fairness, and by default maintain the status quo; or you can personally take the initiative to make your relationship with your boss better.

Start by building a strong foundation for a relationship with any boss.

1. Accept that the boss is the boss

Come to terms with the fact that the boss has the power and you do not. This is reality. When you are the boss you will have the power (and the responsibility and the accountability, etc.), but until then you have to acknowledge that someone else is in charge and you are not. Without accepting this you will not be successful with your boss.

2. Recognize that the relationship is your responsibility

Do not presume that the boss has the responsibility to get along with you. That is not true. You are responsible for getting along with the boss. Look to yourself when there are problems. Even if you are not at fault you are likely to have to solve it or live with it.

3. Control your attitude

Is the boss being totally unreasonable, or are her decisions, or her style, just not to your liking? Regardless, she is still the boss. Negativity is useless to you. It is possible that there are considerations of which you are unaware that affect decisions you dislike. Your attitude towards the boss may be a big part of the relationship problem. It is your responsibility to have a good attitude, regardless of the boss or her attitude.

4. Accept the boss’s attitude

You are not likely to effect any meaningful changes in the boss' attitude. If you like the job, except for the boss, then accept what you cannot change. Put the boss’ attitude in perspective and choose not to be annoyed or upset by it. Highlight the positives of the job, rather than the negatives of the boss. You have the power to do this.

5. Respect the position if not the person

Respect for a boss comes in two forms: respect for the position, and respect for the person holding the position. Do not confuse the two. One is owed and one is earned.

Respect for the position goes with the job no matter who does it. A boss is entitled to respect, and a certain amount of deference, based solely on the position. It is akin to being President of the United States. Regardless of your personal opinion, you owe the office respect and deference. This is true of a boss. Give the respect that is owed, even if you cannot give the respect that is earned.

6. Initiate dialogue with listening

Dialogue is two-way conversation. Many workers expect that dialogue consists of a boss listening to them, when a significant part of dialogue is workers listening to a boss. Are you listening to what the boss is trying to say, or do you immediately ass-u-me? Listen without judgment or bias. When you have listened, then you are able to start a productive conversation.

7. Extend the benefit of the doubt

You cannot know all the facts associated with every decision. Give a boss the benefit of the doubt in her decision making. It really costs you nothing but the effort to do so.

8. Lend support

Extend a kind word of encouragement, acknowledgement, or appreciation. Bosses are people. Admittedly, they are people with power, but people nonetheless. Not every positive exchange between a boss and a worker has to be brown-nosing. Bosses rarely, if ever, receive positive feedback from workers. Think about how much better you do your own work when you feel appreciated.

9. Defer to authority

Be gracious and defer when there is conflict. Even if you do not think that your boss knows more than you do, she probably does. Learn something from the experience. Why fight a battle you cannot win?

10. Work with honor

Always do your best work. Earn your salary. Create your own sphere of excellence.

It would be ideal if no boss were unreasonable, nasty, grabbed the credit, or did other troubling and unfair things. But business it is not ideal. Certainly, a boss has her own responsibilities for relationships with workers, but this is not a column about what a boss has to do. This is a column about what a worker can do to get along with a boss.

There is no way to manage every boss in every situation. All that we can manage and control are our own actions and reactions. The real power to effect change in any relationship resides within you. Change how you act in the relationship and how you feel in the relationship, and you will have changed it.

Incorporate these ten building blocks in the foundation of your relationship with your boss and you are guaranteed to see improvement. Perhaps not where you expected to see it, in your boss, but where it matters, in yourself.

Copyright © 1998, 1999 by D.E. Summerville. All rights reserved.

The advice and suggestions in the Women in Business column are solely those of the author. DC Web Women assumes no responsibility for its content.

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