Absolutely nothing in the workplace is as universal as gossip.

Gossip can be true or false or both. It can be an innocent stress-reliever or a harmful destructive force. It can be each or all in any situation for any person.

Everyone enjoys in a little "dirt" from time to time. No one is immune to the allure of gossip. A casual remark here or there, an innocuous comment from time to time, a joke or two to break the monotony, and gossip is created. It gathers strength from each repeating until it grows into the furious wind of a tornado tearing through the workplace. Like a tornado it leaves some workers some untouched and some shattered.

Management cannot control workplace gossip. Efforts to do so typically drive it underground where it assumes an even darker hue. Communication can diminish gossip’s destructive force, but nothing can really prevent it. Gossip is in its worst form when it directs its fury on a lone target.

In the face of such a primal force, what can you do if you are the object of the gossip?

An interesting observation on how to deal with gossip was noted by one of America’s Founding Fathers, John Adams, about the contrast between his style and that of his friend Thomas Jefferson.

Two classic, yet diametrically opposed choices, remain the predominant responses even two hundred years later. Present a placid, impenetrable façade; or erupt like a volcano.

To a great extent personality will drive the way people respond to being a target of gossip. I believe that "taciturnity" will likely be more effective than "eruption" in quelling gossip, but it is the harder strategy to effect and to sustain.

I have been the object of gossip. I have been the brunt of unfounded, cruel, libelous, rumor mongering. My natural and first instinct was always to erupt like a volcano.

I had quite a reputation for being a spitfire, take no prisoners, in your face, confrontational woman in business. Lava flows appealed to me.

But I learned a few things the hard way about gossip. Just like the wind itself, gossip cannot be traced to everyone it has touched. You cannot kill it or stop it with righteous indignation, or even with truth itself. A passionate reaction will just create energy to feed the wind of gossip and keep it spinning on and on. Gossip only dies from neglect.

But I did find a way to combine my options and in doing so helped myself while I was waiting for the gossip to die.

The most important thing to do when you are the object of gossip is to change how you feel about it. Righteous indignation and reactive passion are a waste of your time. Be calm, detached, indifferent and deadly business-like when you are the object of gossip. Cool professionalism is the only effective way to gain control when gossip is out of control. Reasonable, calm, self-effacing and judicious control is a stunning and calming force in a storm of gossip.

If you absolutely must respond to the gossip, respond only to people you respect. Manipulate everyone else with your silence.

If you absolutely must confront the gossip, confront in a very matter-of-fact and unemotional way. Simply state that you are aware of what is being said about you, and isn’t it sad how the truth is distorted. Then do not say anything else, and do not go into any justification whatsoever. Gain dominance by confronting with kindness, without blame or rancor, and without any emotion. This is very, very hard to do. But it is also very, very effective.

A blend of taciturnity and controlled eruption has worked for me. It satisfies my instinct and my intellect. I had to work and practice to develop a calm, reasoned approach to being the object of gossip. But I found this approach to be actually far more intimidating to those who gossiped about me, and far more effective on the gossip itself, than anything I did in my purely volcanic days.

Being the object of gossip is painful, destructive, and unfair. But do not add to the burden of it by falling into the trap of fighting gossip the wrong way. You cannot right the wrong in gossip no matter how much truth or passion you throw at it. You have to deal with it effectively. Triumph over gossip usually comes with a strong application of "taciturnity" alone; or a mix of it with a controlled, dispassionate eruption.

I have always found a quaint colloquialism to be very profound, and an excellent guide when confronted with the tough problem of being the object of gossip: Don't get in a pissing contest with a skunk because you will always lose.

It is the most effective advice.

Copyright © 1998, 1999 by D.E. Summerville. All rights reserved.

The advice and suggestions in the Women in Business column are solely those of the author. DC Web Women assumes no responsibility for its content.

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