Is Work Like Family?

"…I was so hurt...I thought we were like a family before this happened. Now I know I was wrong…" a DC Web Woman

We all yearn to have a workplace that is an extension of our family.

The pressures we share in the workplace, the challenges and struggles we meet together, create a bond among us. Our camaraderie leads to affection, and our affection seems to naturally evolve to emotional intimacy. With this intimacy, family and work are often perceived as the same, with the same principles, the same comforts, and the same consequences.

This is when the workplace can become a very dangerous place.

Work is not family. The principles, the comforts, and the consequences that rule a family do not govern at work. True enough, companies extol a sense of family in the workplace as being of the highest value. But they do so because the idea of it is so highly prized by workers. It is marketing, not reality.

Work and family are different. This is a blunt truth that women either do not understand, or deny because they want or need for work and family to be the same. Typically, understanding only comes, and denial only leaves, when a terrible incident causes searing pain. Then the sober truth of the difference hits like a hard slap in the face.

Do something about your misunderstanding or denial before you pay a high price for it. Learn and respect the differences between family and work. The hardest to grasp is the difference in personal relationships. Women hurt themselves with wrong-headed relationship expectations. The temptation to assume that coworkers are family is seductive, and nearly irresistible.

It is also at odds with reality. The cold truth is:

• The people at work are colleagues, not family. Family may be willing to put up with your faults, idiosyncrasies, and shortcomings, maybe even love you in spite of them, but colleagues are not.
• There is a competitive relationship among people at work. It is foolish to pretend otherwise. This is how business works.
• People rarely have lasting friends at work. Those who have left one or more jobs can attest to the truth of it -- workplace friendships hardly ever survive after the work association ends.

It is very important to understand personal relationships in the context of these workplace realities. Of course people do like each other, enjoy each other’s company, rely on each other’s support, and care about each other. It is good, and healthy to have friends in the workplace.

But it is not the same liking, caring and supporting that happens in a family.

Personal relationships that are formed in the workplace are shaped and influenced by the bonds of business, and not by the covenants of family. Business almost always inserts itself into personal relationships in the workplace. Business demands preference, affects loyalties, and causes unexpected actions and reactions. Workplace friendships can often conflict with job responsibilities, work obligations, and company loyalties. Adding family expectations to this mix is unreasonable, unfair, and unhealthy.

Change your risk for the "work is family" mistake with some simple but effective action.

Keep the details of your personal problems out of the workplace. This includes the specifics of your romantic life, the particulars of your financial situation, the intimacies of your friendships, and the secrets of your family. You control access to this information. You cannot benefit from introducing it into the workplace, but you can be harmed in many ways from doing so.

Keep personal, private information off your work computer. This includes personal e-mail, love letters, financial or debt information, a resume, or any private information that would make you uncomfortable to see posted on the office bulletin board. A company-owned computer is not private property, and it is not a place for private information.

Recognize that you are not working at home. Speech, actions, signs, jokes or cartoons that may be appropriate in your family room also may be offensive, harassing or illegal in the workplace. It is not the responsibility of others to interpret what you really meant.

However, knowing the difference between work and family does not mean you must isolate yourself in the workplace. It just means that you have to be smart and savvy. The more you are aware of and honor these differences the more successful and happy you will be in your career.

Do not be afraid to have fun, to delight in the work, and to engage coworkers in good relationships. But also do not forget that these relationships are different from those of your family. Work relationships have a business context, endure unique pressures, and require altered rules of conduct.

The major difference between work and family is their relation to you as a person. Work is a place for you to give honest labor in exchange for money and satisfaction. A family is a place where you are loved. In this context it is very easy to see why they are different, and how they can never be the same.

Copyright © 1998, 1999 by D.E. Summerville. All rights reserved.

The advice and suggestions in the Women in Business column are solely those of the author. DC Web Women assumes no responsibility for its content.

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