Children and Careers

Raising my children while sustaining a career was the hardest thing I have ever tried to do in my life.

Like most of the women who have children and a career -- or more correctly at that time in my life -- a job, it was about keeping food on the table and a roof over all of our heads. Aspirations to fulfillment, satisfaction, intellectual growth, and advancement were secondary priorities for me. Money to live on and health care were my real needs.

Looking back on those very tough times I am still in awe of the outcome. I have two daughters who are brilliant, happy, steadfast, moral, kind, assertive, loving and dynamic women, of whom I am extraordinarily proud. The greatest blessing of all is that we three have a very close and loving adult bond that enriches my life beyond measure.

I also have a satisfying, challenging, fulfilling career.

How did I do it?

I do not have a formula that will work for every woman. There is no one right answer. Every woman, her circumstances, and her support systems are different.

I can only tell you what I did.

For me, the heart of it was that I had no conflict about priorities. I was very clear with myself, and with my employers, about what came first in my life – and it was always my children. I accepted that I could not do both well: that is, have a career and raise my children at the same time. That may not be true for all women, but it was true for me. I chose what was right for me, and then I acted on my choice.

This gave me focus. I only took jobs with lesser responsibility that would permit me to leave work on time. This meant working at lower paying jobs, sacrificing overtime income, and adjusting our lifestyle to accommodate my means.

It was not easy.

We did without many things that we could have had, if I had been willing to take a job that required more time at work, or more intense commitment. I intentionally worked in boring jobs for which I was over qualified. I endured enormous frustration, no real advancement, and low pay.

But I stayed focused on what was important to me. The children had to come before the job at that time in my life. I did not feel oppressed or out of control, because I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it. I made a conscious, clear choice, and I lived with it.

But the terms of the choice were harsh, unrelenting, crushing, and demoralizing.

Waking up to a child with a fever and a deadline at work were always very hard mornings. I simply did the very best I could in each situation. Sometimes I could work it out, take the child to the doctor, make other child care arrangements, and get to work. And sometimes I just could not, and I had to stay home.

I remember the dreaded calls at work, when my children were unexpectedly sick or injured, and I had no back up, and I just had to leave. These were stressful, fearful times of desperate scrambling, torn between the responsibilities of children and of work.

But, I never lost a job over it. I think it was because I always tried my best, was honest with my employer, and found a way to get the work done. I earned respect for my commitment to my children and to my job – but my children first. I never, ever, leveraged the children against the job to take advantage of an employer’s compassion. I earned every concession, or repaid it if I had not earned it.

I also had help from other women.

My extended family of sisters and aunts and cousins and friends filled the gaps when I was desperate. Women I hardly knew helped me, in ways that may have seemed insignificant to them, but that made all the difference to me. The kindness, encouragement, help and support of other women kept me going forward, and sustained me when I wanted to give up or give in.

Many women do their best and still fail, because it is just too hard. The challenges of raising children while sustaining a career may actually be harder now than they were for me. Women have been coping for so long that we now are expected to be successful doing both.

It is a crushing, intolerable, impossible expectation that falls almost exclusively on women.

If you are a woman in business who does not have children, do not be so scornful of those who do. These women could have been your mother, or are your sister, or may be your daughter. The issue of children and careers will be ours for generations. Use your vote for the big political issues like child care, and use your compassion for the small personal issues of every workday.

If you are a woman in business who does have children, do not be overwhelmed by the competency myth. Many strong women cannot do both well, at the same time. I could not. Perhaps you will have to choose your priority, and then act on your choice.

But despite what I have just told you, for me it was worth everything that it cost.

Copyright © 1998, 1999 by D.E. Summerville. All rights reserved.

The advice and suggestions in the Women in Business column are solely those of the author. DC Web Women assumes no responsibility for its content.

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